What do you know that you wish you didn't?
This was one of the questions posed on a podcast I listened to recently with Ashley Stahl. She introduced a concept that I've been thinking about ever since: Anxiety or The Truth.
I dig this so damn much. I never tire of the fact that the most profound wisdom is often hidden in the simplest statements. Timely reminders delivered in quotes and cliches can be potent medicine. Hell, I have journals full of simple but significant quotes. Through attention and (more importantly) application, simplicity transcends to pure magic.
So again, what do you know that you wish you didn't? What burden of inconvenient truth are you setting aside to attend to on some future day when you're willing or suddenly more capable? As this unavoidable truth festers deep inside in your knowing place, is your anxiety growing wilder and more difficult to control? For me the answer is a resounding yes. Even if I'm able to scapegoat and avoid throughout the day, the moment my head hits the pillow a familiar, erratic heart beat and restless thoughts return.
I think anxiety come from two distinct triggers: 1. evidence or articulation of powerlessness/ lack of control, and 2. inconvenient truth being willfully ignored. Anxiety is a powerhouse sensor, warning with foreboding the shit storm that's coming if we continue to ignore, deny, and detach....
To be clear- living in sincere truth and making the kind of firm decisions that rarely yield instant gratification is fucking difficult. But a great deal of the indecision and confusion we feel in moments of division or transition are actually just hesitation towards owning up to a truth that's already revealed itself on a soul-level. The place we know as gut. We just don't want to give up that thing that's bad for us, or our back up plan, or alllll thatttt workkkk we put into something that somehow doesn't fit us anymore.
It's so hard to face the music in these situations. Most of us are willing to literally throw time away to avoid it. We can be maniacal about holding onto a place or position in life where we are small yet somewhat comfortable. Unfortunately no amount of waiting or external force can change The Truth. The Truth is: utter impermanence, often inconvenient, potentially hurtful, and always personal. My truth probably won't ever match yours, and that dissonance alone is hard to reconcile when our realities bump up against each other in unsavory and unfair ways. How much of our anxiety is really us suffering as we try to avoid letting others down?
By no means am I underscoring the insanely complex and physical manifestations of anxiety. I know them very well. Instead, I'm learning to honor the guidance that anxiety is struggling to offer. What if anxiety, rather than a limiting belief or mind state, is actually an intuitive road map to authentic living? Again, what do you know that you wish you didn't? What can be done today to feel better about the cacophony of 'problematic' feelings and needs within you? The Truth is often disruptive but determined to reveal itself none the less. We're stuck with icky feelings of anxiety and frustration until we reconcile our inner and outer truths. Authentic power requires responsible choice and decisive action, even though it's some of the hardest work we do.
I'm starting to imagine my anxiety as an intelligent being inside me, pulling puppet strings of heart thumps, tension headaches, and sleepless nights, begging me to remember the simplest sentiments: If it's not a hell yes, it's a No! Own your truth! Seize this moment!
|Photo by Damon Porter
~Photos from a beautiful little hike to Franklin Falls a few weeks back. We saw a bobcat on this trail! My first legitimate wildlife sighting~