Thursday, August 27, 2020




Pining for the past is the clearest indication that things are awry in my heart. Yearning for what was, former relationships and intimacies once real but long gone, is an unmistakable sign that I'm caught up in my karmic loop of samsara. That ever-turning wheel of aimless repetition and habituation can hold you hostage for a lifetime if you let it.

It's a funny facade of familiarity, that ache for the devil I know verses the one I don't. In an effort to break free of this deceptive impulse to revisit the past I decided to put myself out there and seek new evils, so to speak. Which in this era of lock down equates to ~internet dating!~ I've fought long and hard against the tide of side swipe-dating, but the plague of quarantine loneliness and the fantasy of having someone to ride out the apocalypse with dissolved my repulsion-for a short while at least :)

Pretty quickly I matched with R, who seemingly checked every box of what I want in a partner. I was instantly impressed. But after more than a week's worth of continual conversation and our first meetup, my instincts were already screaming that despite the obvious positives we weren't a fit. Wanting to do things differently and be less impulsive, I urged myself to stay open to being wrong. I knew by the end of the first full day we spent hanging out-our third meetup- that my heart would never be in it.

The idea of matching with a near-neighbor who happens to be handsome, witty, and attentive is thrilling, and feeds the blood thirsty hunger for modern convenience. It has seemingly worked out well for many in this era of techno-romance. But it was also surprisingly satisfying to realize that even after my longest stretch of solitude, at times haunted by ghosts of the past, my intuition remains as strong as ever. I am no less selective in pursuing my need for soulful connection.


I truly believe it's worthwhile to hold out for greatness. It's not just that I'm a romantic at heart. I've experienced the wonder of love at first sight and the synchronicity of running into a lost love connection many moons later who I ended up dating. Butterfly landing on you through an open window type serendipitous. When it comes to matters of the heart, I'm singularly satiated by the miraculous and I welcome its unpredictable apparitions!

Divine connection is utterly ineffable- the "spark"- a confluence of chemistry, soul recognition, and attraction moving in tandem at the speed of light. It inspires heart ripening, love staining joy. Though ineffable can mean taboo, it also means indescribable, nameless, indefinable. And so much of life feels like this at its core: inexplicably grasping for something you can't quite define but that you're sure you will know when you find it...
Someone can appear great on paper, or screen, or be a cherished friend and confidante. But quite rarely does that connote the ineffable. Logic simply doesn't cut it when it comes to love. And though the act of seeking can produce partnership, I've only found serendipity and surprise capable of delivering.

I don't need placeholders for Big Love. I know there is a(nother) symbiotic and timely connection waiting for me in the universe. I feel it in my gut, that knowing place . Magic exists, is accessible to believers and doubters alike, and is always worth our devotion.
By no means am I saying that Big Love always equates to a big boom. Often, what burns hot at the beginning flames out quickly. A Big Love can build slowly but surely over time without rushing or demanding. After all, if the divinity of soul recognition is present there should be no chance of missing out if you don't pursue hard enough or fast enough. There will always be an unnameable quality to the connection though; a hint of the supernatural and a fervent sense of familiar intimacy. 

"Love opens the door of ancient recognition." 
-John O'Donohue

I'm not advocating for anyone else to hold out for miracles, or to willingly walk through life alone. It can be excruciatingly tough. We have the right to chose the kind of partnership that is best for us at the time of life we're in. We seek connection to experience healing, whether that be through the necessary confrontation of our individual issues/traumas, or through cultivating an ability to speak our minds and honor our indisputable needs.
I didn't get to this point passively, and I have no delusions about prince charming or 'perfection' in human form. I simply know what I've had and what's possible, and I've cultivated an amazing ability to not settle. Aside from those magical experiences, I've also had all the mediocre passion and unrequited love I need in this lifetime. I would wholeheartedly rather be single than settle for less than ineffable. 

"Remember to slam the door behind you"- This title of a blog I read recently, is excellent advice when it comes to seeking audacious resonance in your relationships (and really, every other aspect of life). Settling can deaden us to the truth that there is wonder and awe worth waiting for. Gracefully bowing out can be even better than slamming- just make sure you close those doors as surely as you do softly. Keeping them cracked will cause a choice paradox which can really fuck with your ability to make definitive decisions. I've been there. 

I don't talk about my love life much on here, mostly because there are always more pertinent matters at hand. Despite my shift in focus over time, and further-despite the ongoing collapse of the western empire and fingers crossed, the police state- I still believe that love is the prima materia, the origin of infinite potential and the greatest of super powers

Pushing through the absurdity of 2020 has given me so much compassion for all my fellow singles out there. I write this with you in mind. Big Love will come and you'll recognize it as a sacred gift bestowed upon your life. It will be of service on your path of ascension towards your highest self. Until then, please cherish and spoil yourself. Never,ever give up on the great for the good.

~*Photos from my solo trip to Iceland because I flew there exactly four years ago today, and it's one of the dopest things I've ever done for myself*~

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