Monday, May 21, 2018

Packwood Lake

This was an insanely busy weekend for me. I spent over 12 hours in the car between Friday and Sunday, which is beyond unusual for me. Made it up to Seattle for my dear friend's 30th birthday bbq and got to see some of my oldest friends from sixth grade. My middle school years were spent hanging with five neighborhood boys who were also in my grade, and seeing a couple of them this weekend as grown-ass-men truly made my heart swell. Love you guys forever and a day.

I made it back to Olympia around 1am on Saturday night and crashed hard for 5 hours before waking up to hike Packwood Lake! I've only done this trail once before but it was super memorable and gorgeous. Sadly this time the elusive PNW fog rolled in and hid the full-frontal Rainier views. The grey clouds and empty threat of rain made for a moody and beautiful scene despite my disappointment over the missing mountain backdrop. The haggard running around I'd done for two days prior definitely got to my brain though as I forgot my damn hiking boots for the first time EVER. I did this nearly 10 mile hike in Vans skate shoes and now have three aching blisters to show for it. Amateur move! Never taking those puppies out of my trunk again.

Claire at Packwood
Moody blues and grays disguising the green hues of glacier water
Goat Rocks Wilderness
A better view of the Green waters running through

Claire and I on Winnie The Pooh bridge

All in all, this weekend was a blast from the past and got me deep in my feelings, pondering the fleeting nature of life and the very few things that last "Forever." In many ways I romanticize and chase permanence; something that may not ever be possible. Forever is a dream I cant seem give up on despite experience after experience begging me to detach and accept the temporary nature of corporal life.

My desire to hold onto things and stretch them out across infinite time and space makes me feel like the mythological character of Atlas who was sentenced to an eternity of holding the world up on his shoulders. I can try to control outcomes and longevity but the effort won't matter and results won't materialize unless they're meant to. So much of what we experience and feel is utterly brief and ephemeral, no matter the momentary intensity... Existence is such a wild ride.

Perhaps longing for something elusive that I can rely on is just my nature, as both a weirdo and a writer. I consider myself a frustrated idealist, akin to many of my heros: Vonnegut, Twain, Whitman, and Huxley. At least I'm not alone.

"But I forgive, I been forgiven, I hold grudges too/
I'm just a work in progress, I'm not even through" -Gucci Mane

Besides a gorgeous hike with two great people, I also got to see a few of my favorite things yesterday: dilapidated farmhouses and amazing roadside signs. These relics warm my heart and somewhat satisfy that devilish hunger for the everlasting. 

Thursday, May 17, 2018


I subscribe to the notion that life presents the same tests time and time again with different faces. As we ascend toward the highest version of ourselves we are confronted with similar trials and results which expose our weaknesses of character or mentality.

In Hinduism, Buddhism, and Sikhism this concept is called Samsara. It's typically represented as a wheel, spiral shell, or a snake eating its tail. It's linked to the theory of karma, and at a fundamental level, the idea of emotional energy being ceaseless; forever coming back around.

I had a moment the other night where, in the midst of a stupid conversation, I was suddenly acutely aware of how completely differently I was handling it than I would have in the past. While keeping a poker face (rare) and projecting calm, I was having an entire conversation in my head, acknowledging how impressed I was with my higher self for taking control of the situation. I could still hear the devil on my shoulder demanding an emotional reaction out of me. Begging me to be confrontational and hold people accountable, one of my favoriteee past times! Yet, somehow I alluded him this time.

Ahhh, leveling up. Approaching a better viewpoint, a higher vibrational wave to ride. When you're granted these precious moments in life where you can actually see valid and vivid proof of how far you've come, celebrate!! Acknowledge, laugh through the awkward memories, and be impressed with yourSELF. I'm working hard on celebrating myself more and hyping myself up the way I want others to.

I've done so much work to get to the core of myself and these little blips are evidence of my effort. We tend to default to self deprecation, as if we have all the time in the world to waste!

Photos from a hike to Little Mashel River Falls out in Pack Forest last week!